im realizing that for some reason, i view people as temporary.
like as much as i may love someone, and value their friendship, i dont WANT them to be out of my life or anything at all....im just thinking its inevitable.

but thats the thing. maybe its not inevitable.
maybe there really are people that stick around for a very long time, even if your not in the exact same situation as before.

high school is ending. where did my life go?
i know none of it was a waste, it may not have always been the happiest time, but i feel like im someone who knows what their doing, and i made the best out of all my situations. i learned soooooooooooo much. i changed soooo much [for the better].
i know im a better person now. i loved alot of people, and im gonna remember them forever. i made the most of it, i really did. i feel bad for the people who think any time in their lives is a waste. dont sleep through your life.

forever is such an intense word. ive been thinking about the word forever alot lately.
does it make me cynical that i find it EXTREMELY hard to believe, when someone says they know that their going to be with me forever?
i dont really think so. i kind of feel like im humoring him, i havnt really taken time to look inside of myself and think if thats truley what i want too. but if it wasnt, i wouldnt really be around anymore. i want him as long as i can have him, and if thats his plans then im gonna try to take them as seriously as i can.
i just feel like hes gotta be kidding himself. i rarely use the word impossible, but this.....just doesnt seem possible i mean, it seems too good to be true really. but all i can do is wait. and see. and wish.

maybe people dont have to go away when things change. maybe people dont leave when it gets hard. maybe there is such a thing as forever.

optimism?

 right now im healing.

im trying really hard to be the strongest ive ever been, and it hurts like hell.
its like i can actually feel the scar tissue building.

ill put on a brave face for everyone around me. and to prove a point.
and then ill come home, and break.

thats just how it has to be. until everything is healed over.
at which point, im confident you will start this cycle again.....

 so im still grounded.


my myspace actually says that there are NO friends online.
now that cant be right.
but its still a fucking depressing feeling.

LOL
reading that over again sounds so ridiculous.


brief update:

things are great, in case anyone was wondering, noticing, talking.
the answer is, YES. i am.
and things are great.

and i have a teeny tiny positive outlook on things. almost. im getting there.
which is a very different feeling. but ive still got my reservations.

i wish i could give people my intuition about others. i wish i could kind of just......show them the light. play them a video, so they can see. because word of mouth only gets you so far. and people can always cast shadows and lies on words. 
but whatever. im done with negativity in my life.


thats a promise.

 i got a fortune cookie today

"soon you will be on top of the world"



I'll be waiting.




i wonder if anyone even reads this bull anymore....






-----------------------------> EDIT

lmfffffaaaaaooooooooooooo
a little while after i put this, i found this on photobucket

 ive been kind of a harsh person lately.

ive been dealing with harsh realities, and making other people deal with my own realities about them.


ive been brutally honest, tirelessy cynical, and fiercely independent.
im not TRYING to push anyone away, put heres the plain fact:

you cannot listen to one single other person but yourself. YOU JUST CANT.
a friend can have the best intentions in the world, but their not living your life for you. no one is.
im just so physically exhausted from fighting with everyone, all the time.
so much negativity has been around me lately. i just want to scream, I DONT CAAREEE at the top of my lungs.
im so fucking over it.
i always put other peoples feelings over my own, and people have been stepped on me one too many times.
theres no other way to explain it, except that i have no energy to deal with any of it. i just dont. maybe i should feel bad and try to fix it, but i simply just dont care.
maybe im losing a best friend out of it. maybe we were never best friends. maybe you've changed into someone i wouldntve been so close with to begin with. but when i dont see potential in a situation, i dont try.
and as far as YOU, pffffftttt, thats a no-brainer. peace out. have a great life. we'll never be friends again, and i dont have a problem with that. so just get over the situation, cus we're all tired of hearing you talk about it.

i dont deal with liars. i dont deal with deceitful people.
i dont deal with people that are going to treat me in a way less then i deserve to be treated, and i know exactly how that is.

but when i DO see potential in a situation, and when i DO have the energy left in me to give someone a second chance, i take it
and i dont want to explain my reasons anymore. i just dont. im doing what im fucking doing because i think its right.
so shut up. stop questioning me.


and thanks for all the crap you've thrown at me because i [and we] couldnt be stronger.

im sure this post made sense to no one, btw. but if you get the general idea, thats cool too.

 sometimes you think you know the truth,

but your just being exposed to a different lie.

im getting very tired of people lying to me. it just doesnt seem to end. when its not one person, its another.
and some people can be so fucking coniving. i doubt i spelled that right. and i dont even care.

situations can literally flip COMPLETELY around in one day.


anyway, im ridiculously excited to move out.
i cant stand my mom. at all. shes horrible.
and she kills everything.

goodnite.

its really incredible how much you can learn from one situation.

to be honest its not even a matter of learning though......because it's not like i didnt have some clue about all of this to begin with.
i really did.
i knew from the VERY start. i always tell people my instincts, and i am literally 99.9% right about most of them.
its a bit scary.
my instincts about my own situations, other people's, and just people as a whole.
i wish someone would tell me to trust them. or i could just do it myself.


as a whole i feel entirely more cynical then i was before all of this.
i didnt think i could get more cynical.
before, i think it was just more of a negativity, i would think the worst in the back of my head and it would make me "paranoid" according to some people. but i always had this ideal, i had a little glimmer of hope saying that everything COULD turn out good, it was possible, it happened for other people, and i really shouldnt jump to conclusions.

that glimmer is gone.
entirely extinguished. i cant imagine myself ever feeling that way. id push anyone&anything away.
i know ill never let myself go again. well lets not say never. just in the very very very very very very very far future. i dont think i put enough verys. and im only not saying never because theres always unseen circumstances. im 110% blocked off. i trust NO MAN.

ive seen friends of mine act like this, and i remember thinking wow their entirely closed off. they dont let anything get to them. they really dont care. and i wondered how, because as negative as i was, i ALWAYS gave situations a chance.

now i get it. now i cant give anything a chance. now im closed off. im numb to it all, and i dont trust a WORD anyone could say to me.
your seriously extremely repulsive to me. ive never felt so disgusted&betrayed by someone.
but i'd never say you did this to me. cus i made the choice to trust you.

i did this to myself.

 i have purged myself of your poison.


i have never felt so cleansed.

the only thing i ever do when i go on this thing, when i even do, is lurk all of your shit.


all of it.


i hope you know that.

 so its been a tumultous couple of days.

theres lots to "lj" about but i dont really feel like doing a recap.
its all so unimportant. and trivial.
see, this is why i shouldnt ever be involved with guys. i should just die an old maid. and certain people say i make everything into a big deal when it shouldnt be, but honestly i dont see it like that. its not like i cant do something with someone without having feelings afterward, it is possible, but in my opinion regrettable. but its just not something id ever want to make a habit. i dont want to be that girl.

its just funny to me. in that sad, dark comedy sort of way, that this same scenario is playing over again. its never been exactly the same, its actually about 98472732873389478 times better thanks to my good judgement, but its just getting tiring.
im not a fan of repetition.
everyone says how they have guy problems, how guys use them or dont like them or blahblahblah. but in the end, they always have at least ONE good story to tell. just one. you know how many i have?
none.
i only have horror stories. no, like, forreal lol.
if anyone knows me good enough, they know the bullshit ive had to deal with, and unless you were there with me for the ride then you couldnt understand it, and you couldnt understand the reprocussions and how it affects like my stupid self-conscious issues, and the way i trust NO man. none. 
idk. i guess im just weird for life.


and whatever it is about me that screams treat me like shit or just a dumb friend, is going to continue screaming loud and clear.
oh and btw, if a guy hooks up with your good friend, like best friend, the week before, is NEVER off his ex-gfs nuts, and then the next week claims his great love for you..................
90% chance hes full of SHIT.
probably more then 90 too.



trust no man, fear no bitch.
^^love.lovelovelove.

I AM COOMPLLETEELLYY OBSESSED WITH NESTEA.
ITS SO FUCKING GOOD.

"I cannot control how I am percieved, 
I can only control how I am presented"